Word count: 2,464
Pairing: Yesung/Kyuhyun (Super Junior)
Summary: "You're as gay as a fucking rainbow."
Note: Written for kyusung_fest 2012, first posted here. Title taken from the lyrics to a Jason Mraz song, “Be Honest”. Much thanks to static_abyss for beta-ing.
“You’re being obvious, you know?”
Yesung flinched in surprise and tore his eyes away from the shirtless Siwon some distance away in the rehearsal room. He came face to face with Kyuhyun, who had suddenly materialized by his side. Kyuhyun gave him a knowing look that was not at all teasing or sly as one would normally expect from him, but rather puzzled and possibly even a little concerned.
Yesung put on what he hoped was an innocent face. “What are you talking about?”
He was sure he had been discreet, only casting occasional glances at Siwon as the man peeled off his sweat-soaked practice t-shirt and started toweling himself, muscles flexing under sun-kissed skin. No, Yesung definitely wasn’t ogling him at all.
Yet, Kyuhyun was still giving him that look. “You were—” Kyuhyun paused, frowning, and then said quietly, “never mind.”
He went over to the other end of the practice room, and Yesung exhaled with relief. He wasn’t sure what that meant or how much Kyuhyun had deduced, but in any case he should be more vigilant from now on.
Siwon still hadn’t put on a fresh shirt, so Yesung decided he might as well go to the vending machine outside to grab a cold drink. To avoid temptation.
Temptation in Yesung’s case, however, came on a daily basis and in various forms. He had learned to deal with it over time, although that didn’t mean it was any easier on him.
“That was awesome, guys. Thanks for your hard work,” Leeteuk said in their changing room after another successful music show recording. They got number one in the show’s chart that day, and everybody started hugging and patting each other on the back.
Yesung saw Donghae standing closest to him, and the two reached out to each other at the same time. Grinning, Donghae wrapped his arms around Yesung. “Good job today,” he murmured in Yesung’s ear.
Donghae gave the warmest hugs, Yesung thought as the length of their bodies pressed together. He felt Donghae’s pecs against him, the faint scent of Donghae’s cologne reaching his nostrils.
“You too,” Yesung replied, but his voice came out a croak. He should let go now, he really should, but Donghae went on stroking his back and it just felt so good to be held like that, steady and firm but gentle.
Then, Yesung saw Kyuhyun across the room, staring at the two of them with sharp, accusing eyes, as if he understood what was actually in Yesung’s mind while hugging Donghae.
Yesung froze for a second and then pulled away, patting Donghae’s shoulder lightly and moving on to high-five the others. All the warmth he had felt moments before vanished, the smile that had felt so natural on his face turning into a poor replica.
He didn’t fail to notice that Kyuhyun’s eyes remained glued on him.
“You should be more careful or the others might find out,” was the next bomb Kyuhyun threw at him.
The ‘others’, fortunately, were either in their own bedrooms or out doing their respective solo work that afternoon, and did not witness Yesung snorting his coffee up his nose. Kyuhyun was sitting at the dining table opposite him, not even cracking a smile at the sight.
“Find out about what?” Yesung asked after regaining his composure, inwardly praying that it was something else, that Kyuhyun hadn’t really found out about the one thing Yesung had kept from the members for so many years.
Kyuhyun appeared to be choosing his words carefully, “The truth.”
Yesung steeled himself for a lengthy argument. “Look, I don’t know where you get your ideas—”
But Kyuhyun cut him off, leaning over the table. “Hyung,” he said in a lowered voice, “you’re as gay as a fucking rainbow.”
Their apartments, no matter how empty or crowded, always had certain sounds in the background, something that Sungmin called ‘dorm noise’. But the silence that followed Kyuhyun’s sentence was all-consuming, stretching out and over until it swallowed both the eleventh and the twelfth floor and then the whole building.
The first thing that broke the silence was his own voice. "Thanks for that. I really appreciate it."
He wasn’t even sure what he meant by that. Sarcasm? Defeat? Meanwhile, Kyuhyun looked as if he’d just been punched in the gut, and a rush of anger boiled inside Yesung. If anyone was supposed to be upset, it should be him, not Kyuhyun.
Yesung pushed his chair back and rose from the table. Kyuhyun made a move to get up too, but Yesung lifted his hand in rejection.
“Hyung,” Kyuhyun said, his tone somewhere between a question and a plea.
“Just... leave me alone for a while.” Yesung turned and went to his room.
Kyuhyun did not follow him.
Yesung couldn’t sleep that night, the sheets underneath him damp with sweat as he tossed and turned, frantic thoughts swirling through his head.
Oh god dammit, fuck it all, how did he know?
“How did you know?”
No one else had gotten into the company van but the two of them; outside, Eunhyuk was greeting some fans who had gathered in front of the management building. The incessant screaming was enough to conceal Yesung’s quiet voice from the back seat.
Sitting in the middle of the van, Kyuhyun moved his head a little but didn’t turn around. This was the first time Yesung talked to him after what had happened yesterday.
“Just the way you look at guys,” he replied.
“A while,” Kyuhyun said, adding quickly, “I haven’t told anyone.”
Yesung paused for a few beats, weighing that statement. “No, I know you wouldn’t.”
From behind, he could see Kyuhyun’s shoulders loosening. It was as if Kyuhyun was as anxious about this as he was.
“Was I really that obvious?” he asked. “I mean, I never realized.”
“To me you were, but that’s probably just my personal view.” A hint of laughter crept into Kyuhyun’s voice. “And to be honest, touching the members’ faces while they sleep kind of gave it away.”
Yesung snickered despite himself. One of their managers passed the car door but did not enter, tapping his feet impatiently. Yesung waited until he walked away again, probably to check what was taking the others so long.
“Will you...” Yesung cleared his throat. Kyuhyun’s response so far had been reassuring, but Yesung still felt he had to tread carefully. He went on with a much smaller voice, “It won’t be different from now on, right? With us?”
Kyuhyun twisted around in his seat, looking like he wanted to say something, but right then Sungmin opened the car door and glanced inside. He noticed the empty seat beside Yesung, but Kyuhyun was faster and moved to the back, leaving Sungmin to take the seat he had vacated. The other members were lining up behind him and began to enter the van as well.
In the back seat, Kyuhyun’s eyes sought Yesung’s. Their moment of privacy had ended before Kyuhyun got a chance to answer that final question, but he gave an awkward smile and held up an earphone attached to his iPod.
Yesung took it and put it in his ear, while Kyuhyun put in the other one and pressed some buttons on his iPod. They both listened as a soothing R&B ballad started playing, Yesung’s heart feeling light as a feather.
As soon as he felt safe talking to Kyuhyun, Yesung couldn’t stop. He didn’t realize he was that eager to share the secret with someone.
“I only told my brother,” he said, “and now you.”
Kyuhyun nodded sympathetically, shifting a little on the sofa to face Yesung, his head propped under one arm. “What about your parents?”
“I think my mother knows, and what she knows my father usually knows as well, but they both never said anything. I wouldn’t know what to say to them anyway.”
By now, they had become skilled at naturally halting their conversation whenever they sensed any of the members coming near, and at that moment, Eunhyuk walked in from the direction of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel loosely wrapped around his thin waist, water dripping from his hair onto spotless, milky skin.
At seeing Yesung and Kyuhyun he announced, “I ran out of shampoo. You guys have any?”
Kyuhyun nodded and said, “In my room.”
Eunhyuk waved his thanks and strode to Kyuhyun’s room, the towel already threatening to slip down if not for his slack grip on it.
After he disappeared from view, Yesung said under his breath, “And as you can see, being in a male idol group doesn’t help at all.”
Kyuhyun chuckled but held it in as Eunhyuk walked past once more, back to the bathroom. He waited until they could hear the door slam and the sound of water running, before he said, “You never look at me that way, though.”
Yesung frowned. “Well, you’re like my brother.”
“Aren’t the other guys your brothers too?”
The discussion seemed to be straying into risky territory, and a feeling of unease started to crawl under Yesung’s skin. “Yeah, but it’s different.”
“How?” Kyuhyun’s wide eyes pierced into Yesung’s. “Am I not sexy enough?”
Yesung had to make sure he was hearing properly. “Huh?”
“If it’s Siwon I understand, and okay, maybe Donghae can be considered sexy. But I think I’m at least as hot as Hyukjae. Do you not find me sexually appealing?”
“Excuse me, what?”
Kyuhyun had been talking in all seriousness, his brows creased, but at seeing Yesung’s incredulous expression his face seemed to close in on itself. He turned away, mumbling, “Forget it.”
Yesung wasn’t entirely sure what just happened. “Kyuhyun,” he began, “are you—”
The younger man’s lips lifted in a skewed smile. “No, no, no. Not at all.”
“I’m just saying.”
“Well don’t, okay?” Kyuhyun snapped.
The acidic remark made Yesung shrink. Normally he would retort whenever Kyuhyun ventured to speak informally to him, but this time he only said curtly, “Sorry.”
For a second it looked like Kyuhyun was going to say something, but instead he clamped his mouth, stood up and walked away, leaving an unresolved tension behind.
That night Yesung woke to an insistent knock on his bedroom door. Dragging himself from bed, he found Kyuhyun standing in the hallway, looking thinner and paler under the half-light.
“I like girls, okay?” Kyuhyun blurted out.
Yesung’s mind was still foggy with sleep, so he simply said, “Uh huh.”
“I like Goo Hara. Girls with nice foreheads and everything.”
“Right. Can I go back to sleep now?”
He was already pushing the door closed again, but Kyuhyun put his hand against it, his gaze not meeting Yesung’s. His voice quivered slightly as he said, “But what if I like girls and non-girls as well?”
Yesung blinked, his head clearing up. “You mean guys?”
Kyuhyun nodded and was quick to add, “But I’m not gay.”
“Well, it sounds like you’re bisexual.”
The words seemed to stun Kyuhyun into silence.
Yesung got a flash of himself at a younger age, at that moment when he realized he was different from other boys. Had he had the same confused, forlorn look on his face as Kyuhyun had right now?
Kyuhyun backed away, running his hand through his hair. “I, I have to think,” he muttered.
“Hey, listen,” Yesung stepped out to the hall. “If you need anything you can talk to me, all right?”
He wasn’t certain if Kyuhyun heard him, because the latter was already turning around to return to his own room, his hair sticking on end. Yesung made a mental note to check on him in the morning.
Perhaps out of worry, Yesung roused much earlier than he intended. It was still dark outside. He went to the kitchen, made two cups of honey tea and brought them to Kyuhyun’s room. It was empty. He looked around in both the eleventh and twelfth floor and the man was nowhere to be found. Thinking that Kyuhyun wasn’t the type to go to the gym in the morning, unlike some of the exercise freaks in the group, Yesung could only think of one other location where he could be.
The roof of their building was generally a secluded place, because all the other structures in the immediate neighborhood were lower, providing much-needed privacy. Not many tenants frequented it, and there was a small shaded area covered with climbing plants at one corner where one could sit on garden chairs and relax. Or in Kyuhyun’s case this time, wait for sunrise.
He didn’t react when Yesung appeared.
Yesung put the teacups on a small table and sat next to Kyuhyun, the chair big enough for two. The sky was just beginning to change color, tinges of purple streaking through the dark blue of the night that would be over soon.
“I suppose I have a secret now too,” Kyuhyun said. Yesung couldn’t see his expression very clearly, the contours of his face concealed by shadows.
“We can keep each other’s secrets.”
Kyuhyun tilted his head back, a soft sigh escaping his mouth. “Maybe the reason I worried about you getting found out was because I was worried about myself.”
“It was your gay-dar working,” Yesung quipped. When he saw Kyuhyun remained impassive, he looked down. “Just joking.”
“I wasn’t even ready to admit it to myself.”
“Take it easy. It took me a while too.”
Bursts of pink and red began to appear in the horizon, the twitter of birds nearby getting louder. Yesung could see now that Kyuhyun was wearing a blue oversized t-shirt over his striped pajama pants. He reached out to his cup of tea on the table, noticed it had grown considerably colder, and retracted his hand.
When Kyuhyun spoke next he sounded wistful. “I like to think the members will understand. Maybe. Someday.”
“Someday,” Yesung agreed.
He absently began biting his nails, an old habit he couldn’t seem to shake off, but Kyuhyun saw it and grabbed his hand.
“Don’t,” he said.
Yesung looked into his eyes, round and innocent and, despite everything, hopeful. Their faces inched closer as if by instinct, and it would only take a small movement for Yesung to capture Kyuhyun’s lips. He hesitated at the last second and turned his head, kissing the corner of Kyuhyun’s mouth instead. He felt it tremble faintly, tasted its warmth amid the cool of dawn.
At that moment, the clouds broke and revealed the sun with its radiant grandeur, illuminating everything around them with a golden sheen and a promise of a good day. They both turned to face the brilliant orb, letting its warm red-orange light wash over them, Kyuhyun’s hand still holding Yesung’s tight.